Asian Fortune Your source for all things Asian American
By Mary Tablante
Almost everything was perfect when Mala Nagarajan and Vega Subramaniam got married ten years ago. Surrounded by 155 family members and friends at the Seattle Aquarium, the couple had a joyous ceremony and honored their Indian roots with a Hindu ceremony.
But the wedding was not completely perfect: the marriage wasn’t legal. Nagarajan and Subramaniam, now of Rockville, Md., are a same-sex couple.
When voters in Maryland approved marriage equality on election day, Nagarajan proposed to Subramaniam a second time. Together, they decided to get married again so their commitment would be legally recognized. At the end of November, Maryland Attorney General Douglas F. Gansler issued an opinion that courts do not have to wait until Jan. 1, when the new law takes effect, to begin processing marriage license applications, so same sex weddings will be able to take place almost immediately in the new year.
Glued to their television screens the night of the election, Nagarajan and Subramanian were excited and
relieved when the majority voted in favor of Question 6, Maryland’s Civil Marriage Protection Act. It had been a long and difficult journey to finally get the rights enjoyed by heterosexual couples.
“It’s really heartwarming to see the shift and change in society and the ability for us to actually live our lives, be contributing community members, and be part of society in a really productive way, and that couldn’t happen without support and affirmation from the broader community,” Nagarajan said.
The two met in 1996, when they were both on a listserv called the South Asian Women’s Network. When Nagarajan asked if there were any South Asians in the Bellingham, Wash., area, Subramanian replied to her, and was surprised to learn there was another Indian American in that fairly homogenous area.
During their first conversation, they found out that they had more in common than just their ethnicity. They were also both queer, which Subramanian described as “mind-blowing” because she had never met another South Asian lesbian before. Over the next couple of years, they became friends and were heavily involved in LGBT activism. They became a couple in 1998, and moved to Maryland in 2009 so both could be closer to aging parents.
Nagarajan is especially pleased that both Maryland and Washington state passed same-sex marriage on the same day, which she described as “just thrilling” for them. This is significant for the couple because they consider both states their home.
But eight years ago, getting the right to marry seemed like a far-fetched idea. In 2004, Subramanian and Nagarajan were plaintiffs in a Washington state marriage lawsuit with other same-sex couples. They sued King County and the state of Washington over the 1998 federal Defense Of Marriage Act (DOMA), which defined marriage as being between a man and a woman. Their lawsuit claimed it is unconstitutional. (The Supreme Court did not list a DOMA case on its docket for this session, as had been widely anticipated, but there is a slight chance it might be added up later for what would be a landmark ruling, either way.) When the couples lined up to request marriage licenses, it was a staged event so that they could go through with a lawsuit, as the couples already knew they would get rejected.
“I don’t think either one of us could have imagined that moment of going up . . . It just hurt, [but] it’s what we needed to do in order for us to do the lawsuit and make a difference,” Nagarajan said.
Subramanian said although marriage didn’t appeal to her initially, the lawsuit influenced her to accept the idea.
“I was not interested in anything legal; all I wanted was a big celebration where we made public our lifetime commitment to each other,” she said. “I didn’t need anything else, but participating in the lawsuit really increased both our awareness about the inequities, and how not having the right to get married … the real impact in our everyday lives.”
They won the case in the lower court, but it was appealed. Their case moved to the Washington Supreme Court in 2006, and was consolidated with a similar case. They lost 5-4, with the court ruling that the act was constitutional.
“When the Supreme Court ruled against our side, it was crushing. . . that’s what makes the Maryland law and people voting for this so much more powerful. It just makes it more meaningful,” Nagarajan said.
Looking back, Subramanian thinks the lawsuit might have worked out for the best because it, along with other groundwork, paved the way for people to vote for marriage equality.
“Now I feel like it had more strength, it’s not going anywhere because the people have voted in favor,” she said. “It’s so fast; I’ve never been part of a movement where that shift has happened in just a few years. Even from 2004, eight years, even that’s’ like, ‘wow,’ a complete 180.”
The couple has found acceptance within the broader South Asian community as well. “People in my parent’s generation have been congratulatory, and it’s just heartwarming because my parents have suffered so much. . . I just feel like it’s so nice to have people in our community step up and say ‘this is important.'” Nagarajan said.
They do not think they will have another public marriage ceremony, but will definitely celebrate later. Their list so far includes at least 300 people.
“Our wedding was our wedding. The state changing our laws doesn’t change that,” Nagarajan said.
While the couple said there is still a long way to go in terms of marriage equality and acceptance, right now they have at least one thing to focus on: deciding the date for obtaining their marriage certificate, and finally getting legal recognition as a married couple.
The Supreme Court announced on December 7 that it will take up same-sex marriage, hearing two cases. One case stems from California’s Proposition 8, a voter-approved ban on gay marriage. The other is a case is from New York challenging the constitutionality of the 1996 federal Defense of Marriage Act. Arguments are expected in March, with rulings issued in June. It is possible the justices could rule whether or not gay Americans have the same constitutional right to marry as heterosexuals.
