Asia’s Top Dating Coach Says Independence is Key In Relationships

By Jenny Chen

In his earlier years, David Tian always felt like the odd one out. As he describes in his blog, DoctorAsianRake.com, Tian had gone through a couple of girlfriends, but they all eventually soured. He even went through a marriage – and a divorce.

But years later, he is now the head of the successful Aura Dating Academy, which coaches men on “finding the woman of their dreams.”

What happened?

In 2008, Tian went to study under the best dating coaches in the industry (yes, there is an industry…) and by 2010, Tian had started his own dating and relationship coaching company.

Tian’s unique experiences, which straddles the academic (he has a doctorate in Chinese philosophy!) and his experience in the pick up artist community (a community which teaches men how to approach women), plus his years in marriage – give him a wonderfully rich perspective on the issue of dating and relationships.

So at the crack of dawn on the East Coast, and nighttime in Singapore, we talked about combating nerves, keeping girls, and why race shouldn’t matter. And although he mostly coaches men, his advice applies to girls as well, so listen up.

Independence in a Relationship

The biggest tenet in Tian’s advice hinges on the idea of developing independence. “When a guy is no longer independent, he becomes needy,” Tian said. He said that there’s a difference between wanting to spend time with someone and spending time with someone because they fill an unfulfilled need. Like in his own past relationships? “I confused the two,” Tian said.

Maintaining independence may seem to fly in the face of common knowledge, but Tian says that it’s critical to maintaining a healthy and long term relationship. Tian says that in his own long term relationship he stopped pursuing his passions (like martial arts) in order to spend all his time with his partner. But he found that doing this made him less attractive because he lost the spark of passion that made him unique.

What About Asian Stereotypes?

We’ve all seen them – media portrayals of nerdy, one-dimensional Asian American men, or geisha-like girls – stereotypes which serve only to exoticize us and make us feel like the perpetual outsider when it comes to dating and relationships. But Tian says that many of the limitations perpetuated by stereotypes exist only because we allow them to. “First impression, they may think of you as Asian, but when you act a certain way they will quickly forget that aspect of you and focus on who you are as a person.” Reassuring advice.

How To Get Over The Fear of Rejection When Asking a Girl Out?

Just do it. In his programs for dating and relationship coaching, the first thing Tian and his coaches do is bring men out and get them accustomed to being rejected so they can move past that fear. Some things they ask participants do is dance online in a public area, singing a song in an unconventional place and more. You don’t have to go as far as that, but the key to get out there and try.

For more info on David, check out his blog at DoctorAsianRake.com or his coaching website, auradating.com