SELF-ESTEEM MADE EASY

By Seth Karafin

Self-esteem is one of the most misunderstood things in personal mental health. Often, it is used to describe others in a negative way. As in, “She has low self-esteem.” Or “Only people with low self-esteem would do that.”

There are three common misconceptions about self-esteem, and all of them can be very damaging. One is that self-esteem is static. You either feel good about yourself, or you don’t. Or: Self-esteem determines a person’s success level. (That is, you can’t be successful if you don’t have a high opinion of yourself.). Another misconception is that self-esteem, or more importantly low self-esteem, is the fault of parents, teachers, friends, etc. Therefore, we are not responsible for how high or low it is.

So what, indeed, is self-esteem? The American Psychological Association defines it as “a generalized evaluative attitude toward the self that influences both moods and behavior and that exerts a powerful effect on a range of personal and social behaviors.” In other words, self-esteem is how you feel about yourself and how those feelings affect the choices you make in everyday life.

The building blocks of self-esteem then become quite clear. Self-esteem is the combination of our experiences and our reactions to those experiences. To be sure, we can’t always control what happens to us. But we can always control how we react. Included in the list of things we can control is self-talk. Self-talk is what we tell ourselves about a particular thing that has happened to us.
When we experience failure, do we say “My life is a mess, I can’t do anything right?” Or do we say instead, “Okay, that didn’t work, but I know I can figure this out.” These two different responses to the same situation are both driven by and directly impact self-esteem. They are part of a cause and effect cycle.

Healthy and Unhealthy Habits

If we look at the self-esteem cycle as dynamic and self-driven we can quickly see that the way we think dramatically impacts our self-esteem. Obviously, there are some bad thinking habits around self-esteem, as well as a number of healthy ones.

Some of the most damaging habits are: interpreting everything as a sign of personal rejection or failure; allowing yourself to be influenced by what others think of you, and accepting that things just are the way they are, and nothing can be done about it.

On the other hand, one can develop healthy habits that can boost self-esteem. For example, recognize that all mistakes are opportunities for growth, and accept that how we see ourselves is more important than how others see us. Likewise, develop the habit of believing that change is always possible if we are willing to work for it.

All of these habits and ways of thinking are choices we make every day whether we realize it or not.
So, what can we learn from all of this? We are all in charge of our own personal sense of self, also known as our self-esteem. Through assessing the way we react to and talk to ourselves about the things that happen in our lives we can effectively manage our sense of personal worth.

Now, what will you do with this information?

Seth Karafin is an accomplished Multi-Dimensional Coach in the areas of Life Coaching, Career Coaching, and Public Speaking Coaching. He works with individuals, companies, and nonprofits, providing one-on-one sessions, classes, workshops, webinars, and lectures. For more information, visit www.multi-dimensionalcoaching.com. Seth may be reached at seth@multi-dimensionalcoaching.com or 703-679-8149.

Self-Esteem Exercises

For these three exercises, you will need a pen and three sheets of paper. You will need one sheet for each list.

1. Make a list of your top ten accomplishments and put two spaces between each. For example: having a child, graduating from high school, getting your first job, etc. Underneath each write down one positive thing each accomplishment taught you about yourself.

2. Now make a list of the ten worst things that ever happened to you and put two spaces between each. Things like getting a divorce, losing a job, failing a final exam, etc. Underneath each item, write down one positive thing that you can learn from this experience.

3. Finally, make a list of ten accomplishments you would like to achieve in the future and put two spaces between each. Things like getting a promotion, graduating from college, owning a home, etc. Underneath each write down how you think achieving them will affect your self-esteem.

You are now able to see that everything that happens to you, both good and bad, has only the meaning you give it. You should realize that by setting and achieving new goals, you will intentionally raise your self-esteem. The next time something happens, decide how you want to react and begin to take control of your life.