Mulberry Stories: Conversations Between An American Daughter And Her Mother [BLOG]

Jian Ping is the author of Mulberry Child: A Memoir of China, which has been developed into an award-winning documentary film. Ping was born and raised in China.

Her daughter, Lisa Xia is originally from Changchun, China, but was raised largely between cultures for more than 20 years in the United States. Xia graduated from the University of Illinois and now works in Edelman’s Business + Social Purpose practice, where she specializes in strategy and execution in corporate social responsibility and sustainability programs.

Today, they’re asking the question: Is there a deadline for a girl to get married? 

Jian: During our rare family trip to southern China last month, something interesting struck me about the different kinds of women that two cultures could breed. There is this belief in China that the tipping point for Chinese women to get married is 25, after that, they are considered “left-over.” Our two Chinese tour guides were both young women in their early 20s and feeling the pressure to marry. Lisa, you just celebrated your 28^th birthday. Sometimes I wonder if you’ll ever marry. By Chinese standards, you are already a “left-over.”

Lisa: Oh stop, Mom. This is the first year you’ve ever even brought that up. But, I have to admit that I was a little surprised that Grandma and Grandpa reminded me about having the children I promised them when they wrote me a birthday card this year.

Jian: I know, I’m kidding. But, do you remember what Qiu, our guide in Hangzhou, said over lunch? Despite her finishing college and becoming a tour guide, her family has really started to put the pressure on her to find a husband.

Lisa: Actually, I have a hard time internalizing that this belief is real. Is that all they believe that life should amount to? That once you’re married, everything else will fall into place? I’ve always viewed marriage as just one facet of joy in life; and then there are friends, travels, experiences…even love doesn’t have to be tied to marriage. And I’ve learned—perhaps from you—that being happy single is better than being in an unhappy union. Looking down the tunnel from 23 to the rest of your life seems like such a long time.

Jian: I agree with you. It’s funny, I’ve read about the “left-over” women phenomena and largely brushed it off. I thought usually single women above 30 were frowned upon and labeled “undesirable” or “weird” in China, but believed the trend was changing, especially in metropolitan areas where professional young women chose to marry late. I’ve read some even coined the term “victorious women” (“Sheng Nü” “胜女”) vs. “left over,” also pronounced “Sheng Nü” (“剩女”).

Lisa: Maybe the difference between large cities and smaller ones? I couldn’t believe our other guide, Gao, in Huangshan, felt she’d have to quit her job when she gets married because “nan guan wai, nu guan nei” (men take care of things outside of the home, and women tend to the household). I think she actually believes that it’s not so good to be a tour guide when you’re married, running around, always out with guests—despite the fact that she loves it. I’m trying to find opportunities that allow me to travel more, not less. I would never imagine acquiescing something that I loved so dearly for society’s expectations of what a woman should do.

Jian:  Gao is 25 and is facing more pressure. Remember she said her mom was asking her to bring a boy home, but she wouldn’t, because of another stigma for women. She knew if she and a boy she brought home didn’t end up married, the villagers would consider her ‘used goods.’

Lisa: I think what strikes me most is the juxtaposition: on the one hand, at 23 and 25, they seem to have this maturity and understanding of how the world works—and they seem at peace with their fates. On the other hand, they seemed so young and green, and so naïve about the big world outside of China.

Jian:  You’re lucky, you know—growing up in the U.S. without these societal constraints. You’ve been a free spirit. You have traveled. You have started a career. But you’re getting impatient, worrying about living a “complacent life”. I hope you’ll look your situation differently now—this quarter life crisis you’ve been going through.

Lisa: These societal traditions and beliefs are Confucian by root. This is the society that you largely grew up in, and yet, your marriage isn’t your sun and moon. It’s one part of your identity. I mean, how did you feel at my age?

Jian: I was married at 28! But, in seriousness, I grew up in China believing Mao’s claim that “women are half the sky,” which turned out to be an illusion when I started working. I married young, at 24, not out of pressure though. In retrospect, I felt that was too young an age to get married. I found it hard to believe that all these years of revolution and economic reform haven’t changed women’s position for much in China.

Lisa: So what’s this pressure on me to get settled now, Mom…

Read previous blog posts from Jian and Lisa here: http://www.asianfortunenews.com/?s=mulberry+stories