WHEELS

By The Car Chick

2013 Jaguar XJL Portfolio

There it was. A brand new Jaguar. A Jag-u-ar, as the Brits pronounce it. And it was my Jag-u-ar, at least for the week. I admit it: I was excited to spend some time with a car I have always admired for its classical lines, all trim and sporty, and the combination of power and luxury. Timeless and fun, that’s always been Jaguar to me.

And then I drove it.

I guess I should have known what to expect when I got over my Jag-u-ar intoxication and noticed that the trim lines the car had held onto for so many years have gotten a bit, well, fat. This Jaguar carries a middle-age spread. In fact, it resembles a big ol’ Buick more than the slim Jaguar I have always loved to see gliding by. It probably didn’t help that the XJL I drove was solid white. Excuse me, Polaris White is the official name. Still, it was white, which we all know is not flattering when there’s a little extra girth to camouflage.

Inside, the vehicle is certainly luxurious, from the cockpit seats to the soft grain leather with contrasting stitch and piping and the glossy burl walnut trim, the premium suedecloth headliner, the leather-wrapped instrument panel and…well, you get the idea. As I sat there reveling in the comfortable contemporary décor, I almost began to quietly chant, “Jag-u-ar, Jag-u-ar…” for I so wanted my lifetime fantasy to come true.

The engine roared to life, a tasteful, English roar of course, not like some coarse American muscle car or anything. This Jaguar throbs with either a 3-liter supercharged V6 (340 HP) or a naturally aspirated 5-liter V8 engine (385). A new 8-speed automatic transmission helps achieve smooth, rapid acceleration for a…uh…Polaris-like rocket ride. I admit, on an open straight road with no other cars around, I opened it up. Despite the two tons of car it was pushing, the power plant exploded and I was actually thrust back into my cushy leather seat. It felt good.

The problem is, during normal driving this car handles like a boat, floating around curves and encasing you in a comfortable bubble. You barely feel the road. Handling is languid, indirect. This model seems designed for comfort, not performance, and except for the brief time I mashed down the gas pedal, it was a rather dull drive. I could not help but think what a waste it is to create such a powerful propulsion system when the person this car is designed for will probably never go faster than 35 mph on the way to the Early Bird Special.

The power and bulk mean you’ll probably get middling city mileage, although if the $80K-plus price tag doesn’t bother you, filling up the tank probably won’t, either.

Driving home, I realized it’s just a Jag-wahr, after all.

2013 Hyundai Azera w/Tech

So, guess which car I enjoyed driving more than the Jaguar. Forget it, you’ll never guess this one. It seems impossible as I type this, but it was a Hyundai. Yep, that’s what my notes say and they never lie.

Venetian Red Pearl, with exterior styling that combines smooth contours with sculpted creases, my honey of a Hyundai sedan looked sharp and handled with a bit more power and a lot more precision than I ever expected. It’s no Jaguar, but this smaller cat is pretty nimble with a 3.3-liter V-6 and six-speed automatic transmission. It moves along quite briskly, and with front-wheel drive, its nimble response seems very smooth. We’re only talking 293 horsepower, but those must be stallions, not nags. The power steering is finely tuned, adding to the sense of tight control.

Inside, it has a bit less of the pings, bells and chimes that all the new cars are equipped to annoy you with. It does, however, have unfortunate theme music that greets you whenever you power it up. (Note to manufacturers: I don’t want my own theme song. I really don’t want all the warning and reminder audio prompts which distract me for no real purpose. Pipe down. I’ll choose my own noise, and whether it’s Sinatra, Maroon 5, or CNN on the satellite radio, or even my seven year old son, it will be MY noise, OK?)

The front seat has a definite cockpit ambiance, but the interior is tastefully appointed, as if the vehicle has luxury car aspirations. Colors are understated, surfaces are soft, with matte finishes. Classy. My boy was entranced by the ambient blue lighting strategically highlighting a number of areas in a manner a grown-up would say combines utility and visual appeal. He just said “it’s cool.”

This model, with its Tech Package, has a bunch of extras such as HID headlamps, 19-inch wheels, and panoramic sunroof. But the basic model has plenty of features, including a great sound system, backup camera, push-button start, proximity-key entry, full leather upholstery, etc. It’s not loaded, but for about $32,000, it’s pretty darn comfortable. I kept it mostly in the Active Eco mode and managed mileage in the mid 20s on regular gas.

Pretty sweet ride, all in all.

2013 Kia Optima SX

It wasn’t Polaris White. No, befitting its much gentler engine, its color was listed as Snow White Pearl. (It was white, to regular people.) My first impression: stylish, clean lines, trim. Good-looking car.

Inside, I noted this is appointed pretty much as a family car, with durable surfaces, even if there are leather seats and quite a few amenities. This SX came loaded with optional packages, but even the standard models have decent features. With the “Technology” package and the SX Limited” package, I had everything I would need, although that considerably jumped the price tag from about $ 27,000 up to $36,000. You could do fine with fewer options, if what you need is a reliable family sedan.

The 2-liter, direct-injection turbo 4-cylinder engine is rated at 274 horsepower, but I thought it seemed occasionally sluggish when I needed acceleration. However, with a 6-speed “Sportmatic” transmission, it generally glides along well enough in city traffic (where I maintained Eco Mode). I liked the handling, although you might find it slightly stiff. The SX is EPA listed as getting 22-34 mpg, on regular-grade fuel.

Several things were so annoying I probably would not buy this car for myself. One deal-breaker is the way the driver’s seat rapidly snaps itself way back from the steering wheel when the engine is turned off. This jolted me each and every time, and was uncomfortable when I parked on a hill and had to climb my way out. Turn the car back on, and the seat propels itself back into position. Why? No answer? I thought so. Making it worse, the car completely dies when the engine is turned off. There doesn’t seem to be any in-between: if you forget to run the windows back up, you’ll have to turn the engine on. Add annoying theme music upon starting, and too many pings and chimes, and I don’t care how nice it looks, how economical it seems, and the fact it drives OK, I’m not looking to adopt this puppy. Your opinion may well vary.